With Swords High!

As anyone who reads this blog probably knows, I'm pretty much a gigantic nerd. I'm kind of like Bruce Wayne, only instead of being Batman I'm a massive geek. Comics, video games, all of it. Hell, I live in Japan, which I'm pretty gives me an automatic 3 or 4 levels of additional nerdiness.

Despite all of this, there are some "regions" of Nerddom that even I will not travel. Up until recently, the most prominent of these was Dungeons and Dragons. Yep, D&D. The quintessential table-top role-playing experience. I'm sure that at some point I shall return to this topic, probably with a list, and talk about the whys and hows behind it all. For now, though, I just want to relate something of a revelation I have had since our party first set foot into the dark and mysterious caverns of "Undermountain."

There are several reasons why I never got around to actually playing D&D when I was young (the period when you can pretty much experiment with ANYTHING and get away with it), including several failed attempts at running games with my younger brother and a curious incident in which I was almost choked to death by an acquaintance in an argument over a role-playing sourcebook. But really, the main reason was of course the Stigma involved. I capitalize the term here because this is such a common and well documented phenomena, almost universally regarded to be fact, that it would seem to have taken on all requisite qualities of a proper noun.

The thing about the Stigma, though, is that it is only about half as accurate as the rest of the world would tell you. Many would assume that the reason for playing these games stems from an underlying desire, or even need, to pretend to be something that you wish you could but never can be. This is the type of crap that fuels the minds of people who indulge in pure bouts of unrelenting fantasy. What it really is, at least as far as I've experienced, is something more akin to listening to some one's story and to helping them tell it at the same time. The end result is something far closer to being in a play or even reading a book than to acting out childish fantasies and magical dreams. If you don't believe me, just ask Vin Diesel. Mother#$%&"& LOVES D&D.

Listen, I'm not condoning capes and staffs here (unless of course you are in the habit of practicing vigilantism, in which case cape away). And sure, there are dice. And tables. And rules. And possibly even a crazily dressed dude behind the table running the dice AND the rules. But really, how is that any different than sitting in a casino in Vegas?



存在の証明が他にないから

Ummmm...What?

I've lived in Japan now for going on four years. I've had a Japanese family, Japanese friends, and yes at times (however briefly) even dated Japanese girls. I can still remember a time when I still had difficulty conveying even the simplest thoughts to those around me in Japanese and constantly running head first into the omnipresent "Language Barrier." I've spent years cultivating the ability to live and thrive in a Japanese environment, but it has apparently has done absolutely nothing to prepare me for the greatest linguistic challenge of my life: dating a British chick.

It's just...I mean, it's still English, right? Right? Fundamentally speaking, we speak the same language. This, however, is a perfect example of how the reality of a situation is never as simple as the basic elements would imply. You may think I'm joking. I wish. For those of you non-believers, this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about:

" ov corse im ere nairy...y do u gashes always hav 2 go out clubbing!!! indeed do hav a quiet drinkys...my ends has a really gud pub..."

...What? These are the types of facebook posts and emails I have to deal with, guys! What is it about the British that entitles them to ignore syntax in its entirety? How about this gem:

"cba. ur such a scrape anyway. div. good thing ur buff."

Thanks!! I think. Maybe? I wonder what it says about me that I can communicate more easily with my Japanese coworkers than my English girlfriend. Probably that I'm awesome. I mean, I guess I could learn, but I'm American! Nobody makes me learn against my will.

And now, just because I can, MONKEYS!



what you got in that bag

A Vast Readership

...is hardly what I would call the few of you who do come here regularly to peruse the garbage that I post. That said, it's not like this site is really geared towards the general masses. But the point is, thanks to an awesome free service provided by Google, Inc., I am now able to track not only how many visitors I get, but all sorts of needlessly irrelevant information about said visitors! Guys, how AWESOME is that?



Check out all of this totally scientific looking data! I don't even know what a "bounce rate" is, but mine is rocking the house! I've also just been informed that this site is the VERY FIRST site that comes up when one googles "tohoku exposure." BOOYAH. And see that snazzy chart labeled "map overlay?" That badboy allows me to check out just where all these dozens (yes, that is plural) of hits are coming from.
Which brings me to my final point: I would like to give a shout-out to the wonderful state of Illinois for dominating the site traffic with over 68%! Now either Rob has a serious Internet addiction or I have some new fans in the Buffalo Grove region. I like to think that it is the latter. All of this leaves me with just one question, though: Who the f do I know Maryland? Hopefully it's this guy:



no way, no way, think you need a new one

Money-C

Do you ever find yourself going through old photos only to be completely shocked and appalled by the younger version of yourself that stares back at you from the image? I'm not talking about self-loathing or anything, but more along the lines of "oh my god, I can't believe I ever dressed like that" or "great Odin's raven, what was going on with my hair?" Well, if you're anything like me then anything that has passed that invisible expiration date which relegates it into the far past of your lives has a solid chance of awakening said feelings, however bittersweet they may be.

Luckily enough, this isn't ALWAYS the case. An old friend recently sent me this gem he ran across while clearing out his hard drive:



Now this photo dates back at least 6 years, to a time when I was known not as Joe-sensei, but simply "Money-C." Although some claim he was born from the fiery pits of junior high basketball courts, the origins of this nickname and the man himself are as cloaked in mystery as the answers to some of the questions this photograph implies: Why is that ceiling so low? Who are these people? Where did I get that rad hat? What happened to all my body hair? What emotion could I possibly be attempting to convey with that facial expression? And lastly, how on Earth was I so AWESOME?!?! These are the questions that keep me up at night.



どうぶネズミみたいに

Animal Wrongs

One thing about Japan that never ceases to amaze me is the fact that it, quite frankly, never ceases to amaze me. What has most recently piqued my interest is the way animals are (mis)treated here on a daily basis. Now I completely aware that this happens all over the world, but just for the sake of posterity allow me to list but a few of the oddities I have witnessed over the past week alone:

- A dog chained up to an abandoned shack in the middle of an abandoned parking lot, with a full bowl of food next to him. I guess it's good that he had food, but I feel his own 50 sq.ft. lot is a bit excessive, not to mention cruel.

- A woman walking a cat. On a leash. A big, leather leash that may have weighed more than the cat itself. With a spiked collar. Seriously.

- A full size fish tank full of not water and fish, but dirt and no less than 10 species of beetle. This one would only be a little strange if it wasn't for the fact that I found it in the housewares section of the hardware store.

Though it really has nothing to do with people and how they take care of their animals, I also feel like I should note that the other day I saw a cat wait patiently at a crosswalk then cross right in front of me when his light turned green. He may have even winked at me, though I cannot swear to this.



The cake'll end up crazy

The Murtaugh List

Getting older is an interesting thing. When looking at it rationally, a quarter of a century really isn't that long a time. Go out to a bar (at least where I live) and tell someone you are 25 and all you are likely to receive is a showering of compliments and jealous crooning about your age. At the same time, though, I find myself more and more often feeling like I am far less capable, or at least tolerant, in certain areas than I was a mere 3 years ago. While I can hardly take credit for the idea, I feel like exploring these areas with my own "Murtaugh List" is an appropriate first step to dealing with my rapid-onset geriatrics. (For those of you would add "clicking on embedded hyperlinks" to your own Murtaugh List, the list includes anything that prompts one to say "I'm getting too old for this shit" immediately afterward.)

1) Going punch for punch with an entire bar of Japanese people.
2) Singing head, shoulders, knees and toes more than once a day.
3) Pancakes.
4) Drinking whiskey any way but straight up.
5) Bicycles.
6) Answering my home phone.
7) Standing up in the shower.
8) Locking my home doors or taking my car keys with me when I exit the vehicle.
9) Any form of media that I have to pay money for.
10) Asia.



星のない空の下で

SCIENCE!

So as I'm sure probably one of you out there noticed, it's been quite some time since my rast broggering. The reason is actually quite simple: I have been engaged in an extremely time-consuming chemistry experiment that has eaten up effectively every shred of free time I have.

But all of this effort has not been in vain. Through rigorous testing and retesting, strict adherence to the scientific method, and by taking advantage of every scientific fact that I my $120,000 education has left in my brain I have come to the following conclusion: Japanese sports drinks give me serious gas. No joke. The stuff goes right through me. It's actually pretty gross. Then again, I really don't know what I expected from a drink called "SWEAT."





there's a little black spot on the Sun today

The Evolution of Intoxication

After returning from Japan for the first time I soon rearized one of the things I missed the most: Chu-hi. For those who haven't had the privirege of riving in Japan, allow me to exprain. Imagine Zima. OK, got it? Now, make it stronger, give it more fravors, and make it socially acceptable for consumption by adult heterosexual males. Oh it also has to come in gigantic cans and be available on the street from vending machines. Now you've got a decent idea about chu-hi. So you can imagine how difficult it was for me to go back to drinking beer or, god forbid, hard lemonade when back in America. Ruckiry for all of us, this has finally changed.

OK, let me set this up for you. Remember Surge? Awesome green energy-infused soda that hit the market in the late 90s, riding the wave of similarly named uppers Jolt and Crack Cocaine? It had those amazing commercials that we just a bunch of kids screaming the word "surge" and running through junk yards while battling each other for the right to chug a can of the stuff? Awesome.

So now that you've got Surge on the brain, imagine yourself pouring 3 shots of vodka into a 23.5oz can of Surge. Now make it taste like dragons. And lastly, stick it in the freezer of your local 7-11 and slap a $2.39 label on it. My friends, I give you JOOSE. It's as though someone reached into my dreams, plucked out everything that would make me happy and then distilled, canned, and stuck it in my grocer's freezer. Other flavors of this spectacular beverage include cranberry, tropical, and jungle. Yes, that's right, you no longer have to go to a frat party and risk being hit on by no-necked econ majoring jocks in pink polos to enjoy a good Jungle Juice (not that that's ever happened to me. Seriously!). The best part is that it appeals to every target market imaginable. College kids can slam a JOOSE then stay up and cram for finals while not feeling quite so on edge. Teenagers can get drunk in their parents' basements without looking like idiots while they try to suppress bitter beer face. For the octogenarian crowd it's a perfect midday snack that loosens you up and gives you the energy to finish that next round of gin (rummy, of course). Even professional athletes could go for a blast of JOOSE to before the 4th quarter of a tied game to calm the nerves and add that extra boost.

I could go on about JOOSE for hours if you'd let me. Just do yourself a favor and go try one. Actually try like 3 or 4 and then come back and post some comments here so we can all see just how awesome you are (Steve...). The only problem with JOOSE, in fact, is that saying the name out loud is accompanied by a 90% chance that any white people in the immediate vicinity will begin to relentlessly quote the Dave Chapelle skit for Samuel Jackson's Lager. JOOSE! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!



Drip Drip Drip

Things I Can Do Better Than Anyone In Japan

Before you jump to conclusions and assume that I am about to go on a racist and egotistical rant with anti-Japanese tendencies, let me assure you that this is totally (well, mostly) not the case. As mentioned in a previous post, many Japanese find great pleasure in challenging any available Americans to feats of drinking, eating, and other general indicators of manliness. After being challenged once again to another game of Beer (which I actually ended up losing), and because I do love a good top 10 list, I decided it was time to boost the ol' ego with a list of things that I truly believe I can do better than MOST Japanese people. I couch this statement with the word "most" because as a past and future scientist I know that there is no such thing as a statistical absolute. So here we go:

- Eat an entire American-size large pizza. The grease content alone would put the average Japanese into a coma.
- Take care of animal that is larger than a house cat. Have you seen the way they
chain their reasonably sized dogs outside in the snow here?
- Say the word "squirrel." Seriously. Try it sometime.
- Sing along with "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. ODB FTW.
- Have a personal conversation with someone I just met without crossing any boundaries or asking excessively personal questions. It is simply NOT ok to follow up "What's your name?" with "How old are you? Are you single?" And those are among the least offensive I've heard.
- Wear cowboy hats.
- Engage in sport without wearing a custom-made, color-coordinated, shiny track suit or jersey. It's like a national mandate over here.
- Make Mexican food (and I am a terrible cook). And last but not least...

- Drive a car. I mean, props to Japan for forcing both the elderly and the new drivers to put massive glowing decals on their cars so we can pick out the truly dangerous ones, but in general it is safe to say that despite the mind-numbingly low speed limits I would still feel safer swimming with the genetically enhanced sharks from Deep Blue Sea than getting into a car in Tokyo. And those sharks can swim backwards...



Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

A Four (Ninja) Star Meal

Some of you may have heard rumors of a mythical restaurant hidden somewhere in the depths of Tokyo staffed exclusively by ninja warriors; a place where ancient tradition merges with modern society to give to those in the know a true taste of what Japan really stands for. While I can't vouch for the rest of that stuff, I am here to tell you that such a place does, in fact, exist and that I have witnessed it first hand. And survived.

Sitting on a bustling street corner in Akasaka, Tokyo, a five minute walk from the Akasaka Prince Hotel is NINJA AKASAKA. Upon entering the building, one finds oneself in a pitch black cube of a room with no discernible ways in or out. After waiting for several minutes, you are greeted to a loud bang and the wall behind you swings open. Non-Japanese are greeted by a female ninja (kunoichi) with speaks surprisingly Californian English and guided to your booth. This trip is no cakewalk, mind you. Our party was made to scream at the top of our lungs at least twice: once in order to close a mechanical "ninja door" behind us so that "our enemies can't follow us to our spot, you know?" Apparently there is a place for shouting like animals even within the silent arts of ninjustu. Who knew?

I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say that this is not a place that appeals to the 99 cent value meal crowd (steak dinner will set you back around 30,000 yen, or $300, and the 'Ancient Ninja French Style Foie Gras' another 2,000 yen ), but the comedic gems uttered by the silent-but-deadly staff are worth the price of admission alone. Some of the more memorable quotes include:
- "Welcome to Ninja!"
- After setting down a plate of ginger to go with the sushi: "This is ginja, I am ninja. Ninja joke. haha."

- "Please use this towel for face. Don't worry, no poison."
- "This is ninja tea. I think also no poison. Maybe."
- When running into our server while searching for the bathroom: "To toilet? Come with me, I am not enemy. You can trust."
- While shining an LED light onto a steaming plate of kimchi: "Ninja SPICE!"
- "This is Shino-beeru." (really terrible Japanese pun)

Also, it would appear that NINJA AKASAKA is the Japanese equivalent to Chuck E. Cheese judging from how many times the servers were heard singing happy birthday in English. And for the finishing touch, our waiter followed us (not very deftly, though) out through the hidden door back to the street and when we were about 10 yards away called out to us, did a back flip and unrolled a scroll that read "Please Come Again," written by what I can only assume was a left-handed child ninja no older than 5 years of age.





So sick of love songs

On Lists

Let me start off by explaining the following post. A little over a month ago Facebook, and much of the interwebs themselves, was being inundated with a flurry of "top lists." Most of these came in the form of "25 Things About Me" or "10 Best Secrets," but this was hardly the extent of it. The whole deal reached the point that CNN actually ran a story on it (which I guess doesn't say too much, considering the crap CNN tends to pass as news). Anyway, I had decided that it was time to take advantage of my own personal soapbox here at NTE and give a list of my own. Apparently the Ron Blagojesphere had had it's fill, though, and my painstakingly crafted list failed to post and was consequently deleted. Lost. Relegated to the past tense.

The ensuing overwhelming rage and underwhelming desire to retype the thing had kept me from even accessing my own website until this very day. So, readers, I will now do my best to recreate my list, "10 Things I Have Learned About the World." Keep in mind, please, that as the original material was lost for good, this is merely a tribute.

1) If you are in a foreign country and don't speak the language, it really DOES work if you just speak your own language slower, louder, and with poorer grammar.
2) There are, in fact, parts of the world where it's OK to sit on a beach chair in the middle of the street and drink a beach bucket full of vodka and RedBull.
3) America might be full of racists, but we are one of the only countries that realizes it and at least on a small level tries to combat it openly.
4) Koreans are people, too.
5) South Koreans, I mean.
6) I don't care where you come from, dog is NEVER a menu option.
7) Being the only person in a room who speaks less than 3 languages is incredibly invalidating.
8) If we are to believe the Japanese, the food in Italy has little flavor, is not spicy, and is all of the same variety. Japanese food, on the other hand, is a veritable smorgasbord of choices, spices, and flare. Yeah. Right.
9) "Challenge the American" is apparently a revered pastime in every nation but the U.S.
10) We may not have invented it, but America (read: Pacific Northwest) is the only place in the world that truly makes an amazing beer.

There you have it; the extent of knowledge I've gained in my time spent away from the good ol' US of A. Before you go, please enjoy a heartwarming image of me and my favorite South Korean basking in our completely hetero man-love.




You laughed like it was going out of style, and I guess it was

My Hero

Remember when you had to write essays or give speeches about your "hero" or your "role model" back in grade school? I'm not sure what I actually said back then, or even if I ever even gave one of those speeches and am just creating fake memories based on social stereotypes, but I'd like to think that my answer was always an unequivocal "Charles Barkley."

I could give you dozens real reasons why I would say this (his ability to out-hustle everyone on the court, his endless list of nicknames, his half-court buzzer-beater bank shot in the Olympics with the Dream Team), but what it really comes down to is that on top of all of that he may be the single funniest man on the planet. The best part is it's just him being himself, and himself happens to be funny as hell. The following are some of Sir Charles' greatest quotes (pilfered of course from various websites):

- If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.
- These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
- Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
- On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."
- Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'
- After seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home."
- Cranberry Juice without vodka? I dont drink cranberry anything without vodka.
- On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
- Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

And my personal favorite: "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
So there you have it; irrefutable proof that Sir Charles Barkley, or as he's knowing in Japan, the Flying Refrigerator, is among the greatest that humanity has to offer. For further reading feel free to consult any of his numerous autobiographies. My personal favorite would have to be I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It. Also, any claims that it was almost entirely ghost-written by someone else are easily put to rest by simply counting the number of times he says "shit" per chapter.



the dirt whispered "child I'm coming home"

Fear and Loathing in...Thailand?

As some of you may be aware, I recently returned from spending my winter holidays in the beautifully depraved Kingdom of Thailand. Neither describing my experience there in its entirety nor briefly summing up the travels of my companions and I sound particularly enticing, I will simply posit some of my observations and feelings at key points throughout the journey in convenient list form. Here goes:

- Cockroaches are not nearly as crunchy as you would think, though slightly more flavorful.
- For a religion that heavily emphasizes the unimportance of material goods, the Buddhists in Thailand sure use an awful lot of gold on their holy artifacts.
- Not drinking the water doesn't do much good if you eat the ice anyway.
- The maximum number of times one can vomit without consuming any water is somewhere between 7-9.
- Watching teenagers climb into a ring and beat each other senseless while surrounded by transvestite dancers and being served by a pregnant waitress makes one feel pretty much exactly like you would imagine.
- Elephants really are extremely well-endowed.
- Nothing, I repeat, Nothing is free. Even the public toilets. God Bless capitalism.
- The number of stars visible from a remote mountain village is roughly 1000x greater than in any large city. It really is amazing.
- Sometimes it's a good idea to ask if there is a "Special" menu.
- Jet Skis = Awesome.
- Germans might possibly be the most friendly people on the face of the Earth.
- Diving through a flaming ring into a tuck-and-roll in the middle of a 2000 person rave is worth every bruise and burn you get.
- In Japan the first English phrase children are taught in school is "This is a pen." In Thailand it's "Hey you! 10 baht!"




My Maserati does 185