A Four (Ninja) Star Meal

Some of you may have heard rumors of a mythical restaurant hidden somewhere in the depths of Tokyo staffed exclusively by ninja warriors; a place where ancient tradition merges with modern society to give to those in the know a true taste of what Japan really stands for. While I can't vouch for the rest of that stuff, I am here to tell you that such a place does, in fact, exist and that I have witnessed it first hand. And survived.

Sitting on a bustling street corner in Akasaka, Tokyo, a five minute walk from the Akasaka Prince Hotel is NINJA AKASAKA. Upon entering the building, one finds oneself in a pitch black cube of a room with no discernible ways in or out. After waiting for several minutes, you are greeted to a loud bang and the wall behind you swings open. Non-Japanese are greeted by a female ninja (kunoichi) with speaks surprisingly Californian English and guided to your booth. This trip is no cakewalk, mind you. Our party was made to scream at the top of our lungs at least twice: once in order to close a mechanical "ninja door" behind us so that "our enemies can't follow us to our spot, you know?" Apparently there is a place for shouting like animals even within the silent arts of ninjustu. Who knew?

I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say that this is not a place that appeals to the 99 cent value meal crowd (steak dinner will set you back around 30,000 yen, or $300, and the 'Ancient Ninja French Style Foie Gras' another 2,000 yen ), but the comedic gems uttered by the silent-but-deadly staff are worth the price of admission alone. Some of the more memorable quotes include:
- "Welcome to Ninja!"
- After setting down a plate of ginger to go with the sushi: "This is ginja, I am ninja. Ninja joke. haha."

- "Please use this towel for face. Don't worry, no poison."
- "This is ninja tea. I think also no poison. Maybe."
- When running into our server while searching for the bathroom: "To toilet? Come with me, I am not enemy. You can trust."
- While shining an LED light onto a steaming plate of kimchi: "Ninja SPICE!"
- "This is Shino-beeru." (really terrible Japanese pun)

Also, it would appear that NINJA AKASAKA is the Japanese equivalent to Chuck E. Cheese judging from how many times the servers were heard singing happy birthday in English. And for the finishing touch, our waiter followed us (not very deftly, though) out through the hidden door back to the street and when we were about 10 yards away called out to us, did a back flip and unrolled a scroll that read "Please Come Again," written by what I can only assume was a left-handed child ninja no older than 5 years of age.





So sick of love songs

On Lists

Let me start off by explaining the following post. A little over a month ago Facebook, and much of the interwebs themselves, was being inundated with a flurry of "top lists." Most of these came in the form of "25 Things About Me" or "10 Best Secrets," but this was hardly the extent of it. The whole deal reached the point that CNN actually ran a story on it (which I guess doesn't say too much, considering the crap CNN tends to pass as news). Anyway, I had decided that it was time to take advantage of my own personal soapbox here at NTE and give a list of my own. Apparently the Ron Blagojesphere had had it's fill, though, and my painstakingly crafted list failed to post and was consequently deleted. Lost. Relegated to the past tense.

The ensuing overwhelming rage and underwhelming desire to retype the thing had kept me from even accessing my own website until this very day. So, readers, I will now do my best to recreate my list, "10 Things I Have Learned About the World." Keep in mind, please, that as the original material was lost for good, this is merely a tribute.

1) If you are in a foreign country and don't speak the language, it really DOES work if you just speak your own language slower, louder, and with poorer grammar.
2) There are, in fact, parts of the world where it's OK to sit on a beach chair in the middle of the street and drink a beach bucket full of vodka and RedBull.
3) America might be full of racists, but we are one of the only countries that realizes it and at least on a small level tries to combat it openly.
4) Koreans are people, too.
5) South Koreans, I mean.
6) I don't care where you come from, dog is NEVER a menu option.
7) Being the only person in a room who speaks less than 3 languages is incredibly invalidating.
8) If we are to believe the Japanese, the food in Italy has little flavor, is not spicy, and is all of the same variety. Japanese food, on the other hand, is a veritable smorgasbord of choices, spices, and flare. Yeah. Right.
9) "Challenge the American" is apparently a revered pastime in every nation but the U.S.
10) We may not have invented it, but America (read: Pacific Northwest) is the only place in the world that truly makes an amazing beer.

There you have it; the extent of knowledge I've gained in my time spent away from the good ol' US of A. Before you go, please enjoy a heartwarming image of me and my favorite South Korean basking in our completely hetero man-love.




You laughed like it was going out of style, and I guess it was