Things I Will Never Do

There are three types of things in the world: Things I am good at (can do), things I am bad at (cannot do), and things I will never try to do. Ok, I guess I should add a fourth: Things that will more than likely result in my own premature death, so I will thus avoid them. While the first two are wholly self-explanatory, I would like to elaborate on the last type and see if anyone else out there understands where I'm coming from.

When someone asks me if I can play basketball, the first thing that pops into my head is something akin to a fundamental binary response of "1" for "yes." I know for a fact I can play said game to at a reasonably competitive level, and have the physical evidence to back up said claim. Conversely, if someone were to ask if I can play the violin, I would give an unequivocal "no." But somewhere in between these two categories lies the enigmatic third category. These are things that I have never really tried, and for that matter feel that I never shall. The reason for this, though not immediately apparent, is actually quite simple; In my mind I imagine myself to be inherently good at these things and am afraid that if I were to actually try them the image of perfection would be shattered, leaving me less experienced than I was before. These actions or subjects include the following:

- Golf
- Hunting
- Boxing
- Snowboarding
- Quantum physics
- Hitting on women
- Chinese Language
- Horseback riding
- Neurosurgery and...
- Having children.

The pride I carry within me at being proficient in all of the aforementioned fields, ironically enough, prohibits me from ever actually attempting them. Hopefully I'm not the only one who feels this way, that when asked if one is good at golf can respond honestly "You know, I've never really played but I just know that I would be really good at it." But if I am indeed alone in this then I hereby reserve the rights to name the condition. I'm thinking something along the lines of advanced nolongerawesomaphobia. Suggestions?


http://www.timarai.com/blog/2008/10/21/greatest-how-to-everat-least-in-japan/


I've got a sunset in my veins

So You Want to Read Comics...

Taking I break from my usual bitching and complaining about things here in the Far East, I'd like to offer my thoughts on a subject I am more than well versed in: comic books. By now it should be apparent to most every one that what was once considered the quintessential trait of nerds and the socially inept has now become embraced by the pop culture elite. The rapid influx of comic-to-film adaptions (and good ones, at that) has changed the way we comic geeks interact with the world. Gone are the days when knowing which issue Wolverine joined the X-Men (Giant Size X-Men #1) or the exact weight of Captain America's shield (12.2 lbs) was as surefire a sign of social ostracism as knowing the best way to serve Qagh. These days people with vast libraries worth of comic trivia knowledge like us a valued commodity, the go-to-guy for the real info and plot breakdown whenever the newest comic book film comes out. It has gotten to the point where I have, true story, been called at 3 AM my time from America to confirm for an intoxicated friend in a heated debate at party that the Weapon X Program does indeed not stand for the letter "x," but for the roman numeral X (the 10th of such attempts at recreating a super-soldier based on the original Captain America formula, FYI).

The point of this post is not to boast of the supreme levels of my nerdiness, but rather to offer something to all of you out there who are looking to join the cool crowd and start reading comics. I am often what I would recommend to someone who either wants to start reading comics, or just wants to make sure that what they read next isn't a waste of time. So without further adieu, I present my own "Must Read" list:

- Batman: The Long Halloween, and Batman: Dark Victory. Along with Batman: Year One, these two books by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale serve as the foundation for everything that was good about the two recent Batman films. Taken as a set, they give show what is easily the most human Batman interpretations of Batman ever while spinning a compelling mystery that keeps your guessing even after you've put it down.

- Y: The Last Man. In a word, the funniest and at the same time most moving comic series I have ever read. Centering on the mystery of a plague that instantaneously wipes out every organism on the planet Earth except for Yorick Brown and his pet monkey, Ampersand, this 60 issue maxi-series is something you owe it to yourself to read. No super-heroes, no powers, just believable characters and incredible writing.

- Watchmen. Often referred to as "the best graphic novel of all-time," it is a super-hero story without any real super-heroes. I'm sure you will all go see the movie, so I won't say much more, but afterwards just do yourself a favor and read the book. If the ending doesn't make you think, then nothing will.

- Daredevil, vol 2. issues #16-19, 26-50, 56-81. In other words, everything that Brian Michael Bendis wrote. While Kevin Smith's "Guardian Devil" arc (vol 2. issues #1-8) and uber-writer Frank Miller's run are both considered to be classics, it's Bendis' that truly makes Matt Murdock something other than a half-assed Peter Parker and serves as an excellent jumping-off point for new readers. A perfectly gritty and flawed lead character, the darkly noir rendition of Hell's Kitchen, and a serialized nature that will hook you far quicker than most other Marvel or DC books, it's a great run for people who like their super-heroes a bit less spandexy and a bit more real.

- Powers. Both created and owned by the aforementioned Brian Michael Bendis, Powers is a bit of an industry anomaly. While set in a clearly super-hero filled world (hence the title), it's focus is on the regular cops that work the super-crime beat. If Law and Order: SVU and Detective Comics had a one night stand, the result would look a lot like this. It's as addictive as the former and as out there as the latter.

Most of these can be found in trade-paperback form or, for those who like to go the digital route, can be downloaded easily from teh interwebz. Enjoy.


Wil, do the children really understand

Miscellaneous

It occurred to me the other day that it's been almost a month since I last posted anything here. Everything has been so all over the place recently, it's been a bit difficult. I guess it would be better to say that my brain has been focused almost exclusively on one thing for the past month, so everything else has just seemed like random smatterings of drinking and ice cold weather. I am referring to, of course, the upcoming Japanese Language Proficiency Exam (日本語能力試験), which I will endeavor to lay the smack down upon this weekend. My afterthoughts and conjectures at how I did will be sure to follow, but until then I would like to discuss briefly a few things that have caught my what little attention I have to spare recently.

First, let me talk to you all about religion. I personally find religion very interesting, both in concept and in practice (one more so than the other). That said, there is a time and a place for it, neither of which are when I am naked covered in soap at a hot spring. If you absolutely must make pleasantries with another dude while you are both naked, the first thing out of your mouth should never be "Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." In such an incident, the look you are seeing on my face probably has nothing to do with your choice of beliefs (well, maybe a little), but rather that you felt that this was the best time to bring them up TO A COMPLETE(ly naked) STRANGER. Really, little old Japanese man?

You know what? Now that I've gotten that out there I really don't think I have much else to say. Oh, I know! Did you know that there are over 20 different easily discernable species of apple? It was news to me, too, but check out this awesome gift set of crazy apples I received the other day!



This bird has flown, take two.

Expats: The Forgotten Demographic

No one will question the fact that Americans made history at the voting booths this past week. Now come the next big questions: How can the president-elect save the crumbling national, and thus world, economy? What will he do to fix the quagmire that has become the Iraq and Afghanistan wars? For most Americans the real effects of the election won't become apparent until sometime after January. A select group, however, could start seeing the benefits as soon as tomorrow. I am referring to, of course, American citizens living abroad.

What many people don't realize is the power that we expats have as a voting entity. Excluding military, an estimated 6.6 million Americans live overseas worldwide, according to the Association of Americans Resident Overseas. If they were regarded as an independent voting bloc, they would outnumber the population in 34 of the 50 states. But of course Americans overseas are considered residents of their most recent US home states for voting purposes. They represent still 2% of states' total votes on average - enough to make a difference in a swing state. So what happens when you get this many people fed up with the anti-Americanism brought on by the Bush years? A whole lot of people voting Obama.

The president is the face of America and as such is the standard by which most of us expats are judged right off the bat. Don't get me wrong; not every one is quick to assume that we, as Americans, support President Bush unconditionally. That said, anyone living abroad can tell you that having a president as universally disliked as Bush only fuels anti-American sentiment, which is something we outside North America have to deal with everyday. To us Obama's victory is an immediate blow to the image of Bush's America that so many people have clung to the past 8 years. Think about it this way: Since the election results came in a day ago, I have had no less than 15 people congratulate me. ME. You congratulate someone when they have done something noteworthy or accomplished something. I guess in their eyes we have, even though Obama hasn't even taken office yet. Oh, and if any of you are interested, Obama Hot Springs in Nagasaki is half-off admission all week.

I leave you with an image of unbridled patriotism.




Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing. Purple rain purple rain.

Blazer Believer

Those of you who know me know that I am many things; a gamer, a Japanophile, a greasy wop, an エセ外人, a powerhouse in the paint, an educator, etc. But chief amongst these things is without question "a Blazer fan." Now, I'm no sports writer, but still I feel compelled to say a few things.

First, yes I am pained greatly by the temporary loss of Greg Oden. Key word: TEMPORARY. However, it has done next to nothing in terms of damaging my hopes for the season. People seem to forget that this house was being built before he even stepped in the door. Even if Oden came in and performed to every one's expectations, it was still going to be Lamarcus' scoring that carries the team. As such, everyone just needs to take a breath, and wait a bit longer. That and pray we work on our fast break offense and defensive boards. That and Bust a Bucket.

Second, though a bit unrelated, I would like to address the so-called "fair weather fans." I use quotations here because I do not accept the validity of this term. It is inherently contradictory and thus invalid terminology. You see, a fan isn't someone who likes a certain team. A fan is someone who needs their team, and in return is needed by the team. Becoming a fan is strikingly similar to entering into a symbiotic relationship. While it is not for me to say which is the host, it is clearly a relationship of mutual reciprocation. A fan lives and dies with the ups and downs of his team. A fan will risk the sometimes-life-threatening repercussions of scorning a lover by choosing to watch the game rather than spend time with him/her. A fan has broken at least one of his own personal possessions as a result of his team's misfortunes (or at least seriously considered it). A fan shun and even refuse to acknowledge the existence of another human simply for being a fan of a rival team (read: Lakers fan).

A fan doesn't need to know stats or numbers, though. They simply need to have that love, that connection, with their team. So I ask you all: Are are you a fan, or are you just watching the game?



Bust a Bucket who'd a dunk it Blazer duty Super sunk it Slamn' Geez it Killer Three's it go up get got it good

A Mystery Unravelled

There's something about October that makes me want to fling money away like an angry monkey and his, well, you know. In one month alone I have purchased a car, a Playstation 3, and plenty of new software. All that aside, my most prized purchase has to be my new TV. 34 inches of high definition 1080i LCD glory. Though the pictures hardly do it justice, go ahead a take a gander. I've placed a standard DVD case in the picture to give some size perspective.



The real issue here, however, is not how great the device itself is but rather how much is cost: a mere $650 at the used electronics shop. I use the term "used" loosely, because as anyone who has lived in Japan a "used" item would pass for fresh off the factory line in America. A quick trip to Amazon.com shows that this guy's little brother, a 32 inch 720p LCD still goes for $800, or $670 slightly used. Though the riddle of why this particular unit was so cheap bothered me for several days, I had just about given in to the idea that it was just pure luck when the answer presented itself.

While talking to a coworker I mentioned in passing how great a deal I thought I had gotten, at which point she inquired as to the brand of the TV. "Samsung," I replied. "Sam-san? Your friend makes TVs?" Long story short, apparently Samsung doesn't carry the brand recognition here that it does in America. After asking around, I eventually figured it out. Remember earlier when I was describing the TV? Well, I left out one important adjective. What I should have said was: 34 inches of Korean high definition 1080i LCD glory. Yes, that's right. Who knew that the ethnicity of a TV set mattered? I mean, come on Japan, judging people by the color of their skin is one thing, but a TV? Are her images not just as crisp and vivid? If you prick her, does she not leak some form of liquid crystals? I was reminded of the time when my host-father told me that the reason no one eats at the Lotteria burger chain was "Because it's owned by Koreans." But really, who am I to complain? If Japanese industrial jingoism leads to me getting a dirt cheap, cutting edge TV for half the price of a Sony, what's wrong with that?



In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone too far.

Creative Differences

I'd like to briefly discuss an incident I had last week during one of my middle school classes. The activity of the day was the standard affair: The students were to listen to me dictate a description of a picture I was looking at and attempt to recreate it themselves. The picture was supposed to be of a young girl dressed as a cowboy swinging a rope in front of a house while her little puppy romps around playfully and her grandpa watches lazily from the porch (a bit Rockwellian, actually). Well, among the more creative entries was this beauty. I'm sure he must have had some other things going on in his head. Maybe he'd just seen Superbad one too many times. I really have nothing else to say, as no words can really do it justice. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I'm pretty sure most of this one's aren't suitable for children. And without further ado, I present you, Yamato's magnum opus in all its glory.

I dub thee...Penisaurus Dix!

Public Transportation...Of DOOM

Readers worldwide (all 10 of you), I'm here today to inform you about the newest crime wave raging through Aomori and, more specifically, Sannohe. B&E, you ask? No sir. Fraud? Not really, but warmer. GTA? Getting there! The correct answer is: Illegal buses. As the image below clearly demonstrates with the two ferocious looking dinosaurs, black-busing (a term I came up with just now) is not to be taken lightly.



Though at first I was confused, I have hence come to see just what is meant by this and what is wrong with it. Essentially what happened is this: someone decided that he was tired of buses that only run once or twice an hour and are unreliable at best, and went ahead and started his own bus line without consulting the city. The nerve! Using unofficial, gaudy, state-of-the-art buses designed to stand out from the standard red and white wooden models the city uses, this black market public transportation has been deceiving citizens day after day while needlessly getting them to their destinations earlier and offering unsanctioned and preposterous convenience to bus-riders day in and day out. Can you imagine the horror of having your 45 minute wait for the bus cut short without notice and arriving at your destination long before intended? I don't know about you, but it gives me the willies just thinking about it.

But fear not, I have been assured that the authorities have the situation well in hand. To start, they are attempting to raise awareness by advertising for, I mean informing you of the danger of, these other buses with fliers posted in every single bus. They are also working on a method to spot and deal with these felonious cabbies. I understand it's going to be very high tech and require every branch of the local law enforcement to tackle it, but that's more than enough assurance to help me sleep sound at night. 2 bus companies in one town, bah. What's next, a second phone company?

Silver buses with giant pandas on top are a dead giveaway

The Land of the Rising Hangover

There has been some discussion recently among the newly arrived JETs and myself as to why the it's so damn easy to get a hangover in Japan. I myself encountered this phenomenon back in the University days, when I could drink my own weight in vodka and be fine the next morning but if I had even a few (read: 4-5) store bought beers I would feel like a Optimus Prime had parked on my face. At any rate, I decided to solve this mystery once and for all, and now present my findings.

The common rumor is that it is because Japanese beers contain far more starch than the average US brews. It is true that Japanese "beers" contain more starch, among other things. The reason for the "" marks is that one must be careful when using the word "beer" in Japan. In 1994, as a result to a beer tax that was based solely on percentage of malt in a beer, companies began to lower their malt percentage to below 67%, with the remaining 33% including rice, corn, sorghum, potato, starch, and sugar. The result was the now super-popular Happoshu. The Government, realizing that they were missing out on a tons of tax income, quickly levied higher taxes on beverages containing between 50-25% malt. The alcohol giants fired back with even less "beery" beers, even replacing malts altogether with artificially non-malts, that are known as "beer-flavored beverages" or "third generation beer." Leave it to the Japanese, masters of the ancient art of tax evasion, to sabotage the last great real on this sad planet, a good beer, to save a buck or two. Bloody heathens.

Well, it turns out that it's not the starch that's the problem; its all the other crap they've thrown in there. Just as mixing alcohols is likely to increase the urge to punch everything that makes noise the next morning, giving your body tons of extra chemicals to process and elimate is a sure-fire recipe for the hangover to end all hangovers. Taken on it's own, the starch can actually help soften the alcohol's impact. But of course, the Japanese never eat anything starchy when they drink, just edamame and raw fish. Oh and horse heart, they LOVE that. The also force you to chase your beers with an equal amount of shochu (a form of rice or barley whiskey). Come to think of it, that's probably the real problem...

Comparative Analysis

So as you may have noticed the postings here at NTE have dropped off considerably. Due to circumstances beyond my control (and plenty that were within) I have had neither the time nor the ability to post recently. For that I apologize.

After a two week jaunt home to good old Pacific Northwest, I find myself strangely rejuvinated. While dodging the unbearable humidity here I was also able to consume my own weight in REAL beer, eat REAL Mexican food, then eat at Taco Bell, and many other gloriously nostalgic events that I will not waste time here cataloging. As an interesting after effect of this trip, I find myself much more aware of the differences between my two countries of residence and realize that up until now I have been a bit harsh on Japan in my blogging. Well that's all going to change. For one post, at least.

A fairly common question I get asked (aside from size of both body and...other things) is, "Sir, what do you enjoy about Japan?" While there are many, one item stands tall among the rest: Festivals. The US may do a rockin' 4th of July, but when it comes to the actual art of holding a festival, we come up severely lacking. It's hard to say what part of the Japanese condition leads to the innate ability to throw a great festival, but whatever it is they have it in spades. If I had to wager a guess, I would say spirit. I'm not talking God, morals, or any of that mumbojumbo, but rather the spirit of getting into the festival. In Japan festivals are for everyone and occur at every level of society. I recently had the chance to participate in the Nebuta festival. Fellow Portlanders, let me tell you that this thing puts the Rose Festival to shame. There are few things more entertaining that watching a 4 year old girl, a 6'5" white man, and a 75 year old Japanese man standing side by side, jumping and flailing to the beat. It's almost like a mindset; people don't come to watch the festival, they come to celebrate the festival. The best part is, this is true from the biggest regional festivals down to the smallest local ones. Everyone has a role that they play with the utmost duty and enthusiasm.

So Japan, I salute you for a tradition well maintained. In my limited travels I have encountered no place more embracing of what it truly means to celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music, oh yeah. I will say, though, that your festivals would be a whole lot more kickin' if you would import some damn PBR.

Test Mentality in Japan

One of the most common complaints I hear among JETs, particularly those teaching in Junior or High Schools, is that they aren't given any freedom in terms of what they are allowed to teach. It tends to be a do-as-you're-asked sort of affair with us just reading the flashcards and dialogues from the text books ad nauseam. The reason for this, however, is rarely malicious or even negative intent on the part of the Japanese teachers. It is almost exclusively due to the fact that the sole goal of these classes is to get the students ready to pass the entrance exams to the next level of schooling. The textbooks are created using the test guidelines, so anything not covered in them does not warrant covering in class.

This phenomenon of studying for sole purpose of passing a single exam permeates Japanese society. I stumbled onto this realization while cramming for the test to convert my US driver's license into a Japanese one (which I proceeded to fail within the first 45 seconds of the actual exam). The test had almost no bearing on actual driving ability, rather it tested the takers memory (you must memorize the driving course first) and whether or not they properly make the prescribed number of mirror checks during a straight away. Aside from the driver's exam, it can be seen at every level of the education system (junior high, high school, college entrance exams) and even in adult life afterwards. To gain admittance to certain companies one must pass written tests covering subjects like grammar and even economic history of the company in question.

This system, while promoting the positive values of studying for an exam, learning the materials, and in turn reaping the benefits has one fatal flaw: lack of comprehensiveness. By providing an exact set of standards and details of what will be on the test, it enables test-takers to study only what will be on the test and nothing else. The only case in which a system like this is effective is if the subject itself is so specific or so defined that the test can actually cover the entirety of the subject, forcing the student to study and learn not just bits and pieces but the whole breadth of the topic. Otherwise you end up with an incomplete skill set that serves no real purpose other than having enabled you to pass the test.

Take for example Japanese college students who are studying to pass the TOEIC English Exam. As far as my personal experience goes, students who attained high scores have done so by strictly following the regimen put forth by the testing committee, as opposed to going out and actually communicating with native English speakers. I find that I have more fluid and rewarding conversations with people who have never even thought of studying for an English exam like this. The same goes for us Foreigners taking the Japanese Proficiency Exam. At the higher levels the Japanese grammar and Kanji we have to know are practically useless in daily life (unless your daily life was consisted of translating turn of the century law texts). As it is I separate personal Japanese studying into two categories: test oriented almost mathematical memorization of grammar points obtained from study guides, and Japanese I will actually be able to use in conversation that very day learned from comic books and Harry Potter. Does that seem messed up to anyone else?

The Miseducation of Aomori, Japan

Over my brief tenure as a teacher I have had several eye-opening realizations about children and the way they think. Some have been fun, like noticing the small gaps in the younger children's short term memory when, 5 minutes after giving a welcome speech in Japanese, I am accosted by 20 or more of them asking if I know any Japanese words (in Japanese, of course). I also love that, despite the fact that I clearly understand every word the ask, they continue to believe that I can't speak any Japanese.

Some experiences, though, fall on the slightly more disturbing side of the spectrum. One of said moments occurred last week at one of my favorite schools, Sugisawa Primary and Junior High. The entire series of events in more or less irrelevant (I believe the word tora, meaning tiger, came up and from there one of the other teachers asked if I had seen the war film Tora Tora Tora), but it quickly came to light that the children had never heard of Pearl Harbor. In fact, the lot of them actually assumed that it was an island down south near Okinawa, which I guess is partially understandable seeing as how it does have a Japanese name (真珠湾), but I was still rather shocked. I was not alone. The other two teachers in the room pushed the issue, throwing out terms like "Pacific War," but still to no avail. When told that it in Hawaii and was the site of the Japanese sneak attack on the United States which signalled it's entry into the war, their jaws hit the floor. They honestly had no idea that Japan had attacked the US first. About half didn't even know that we were on opposing sides during the war.

Now I'm all about forgive and forget, but this is ridiculous. These kids are in the equivalent of our 8th grade, people! Now not knowing all of the gritty details that age is completely acceptable, but being that oblivious to one of the most important events in the history of BOTH countries is by no means. Though I usually find myself pleased with the overall quality of the primary and secondary education systems here, I am still borderline appalled at this oversight. It makes me wonder if I should be sitting in on the history lessons, not just English. Or maybe I'll just give them all copies of Ben Affleck's magnum opus, Pearl Harbor. I do love Ben Affleck...




Since I do love posting related, or at least semi-related, videos, enjoy this little bit of WWII fun with a bit of a modern twist:

A Candidate You Can Really Get Behind

Living in Japan during election season in America is an interesting thing. To be fair, due to some sort of cosmic coincidence, throughout my time as a legal I have only ever been in Japan during presidential elections so I don't actually know how much different it is in America. I can only hope that it isn't as downright silly as it is here. As the only American the town of Sannohe has EVER hosted, I am treated as some sort of walking political encyclopedia (which in and of itself is a problem, because I had to check Wikipedia just to figure out what the difference between a Caucus and a Primary so that I wasn't lying to everyone I talked to). Among the questions I am most commonly asked are the following:

"Why is this election starting so early, don't they usually start in November?"
"Why is Mrs.Clinton so angry?"
"Will the Iraq War stop once the election is over?"
"Are you going to vote for Obama or Bush?" (my personal favorite)

As a personal rule, I tend to keep my politics to myself. It really is no one's business who I vote for. In fact, I have been known to mess with people who ask me about it by actively taking the completely opposite stance to however they feel, because I feel that's what they get for prying. The Japanese, however, don't seem to understand that there is a degree of personal privacy to all this. Also, they don't really find the whole "I'm going to be an ass and argue with you for fun" shtick very amusing.

Recently, when asked who I will vote for, I have been sending people (both Japanese and otherwise) to this website: http://www.mercerforpresident2008.com/home.html
Finally, a candidate I can honestly endorse! His website alone has provided me with countless more hours of entertainment and brain work than anything any other candidate thus far has put forth. I must, though, give credit for this wonderful discovery to my friend Golden Wade Powell. Thank you, Wade, thank you. And to all of you out there, Northern Tohoku Exposure recommends that you take the time to fully peruse Mr. Mercer's website. In particular, sections 1, 14, 17, 20, 22, 27, 29, 35, 46, 48, 49, 56, 63, 66, and 69 are full of golden nuggets of inspiration. Enjoy!

Drawing the Line (Strictness in the Classroom)

Warning: Due to adult language in the following post, reader discretion is advised.

One thing that has puzzled me since my arrival in Japan is the varying degrees of strictness shown in the classroom. Generally speaking, teachers do not put up with much guff from their students and are quick to scold, yell, or even slap upside the head students who talk out of turn or refuse to do as they're told. Corporal punishment is still very much alive here in Japan, although a recent outbreak of parents campaigning against teachers and the very education system itself is slowly putting a stop to that.

Conversely, though, teachers here seem to have no problem with children swearing in class. At first I thought that maybe my concept acceptable language just differed fundamentally with that of the rest of the teachers, which is fine, but it just seemed a bit odd for students be able to yell the Japanese equivalents of things like "son of a bitch" or "shut up" or even "shit" in the classroom.

The prime example of this profound difference came to me several weeks ago. During a Junior High lesson much like every other (read: I was doing nothing but reading flashcards) the teacher decided to let the kids play a game known as Renso, translated literally as "connected images." The premise of the game is simple enough; kids split into teams and, using a single word of my choosing, must take turns running up to the board and writing a word that is connected in some way to the previous word forming chain of thought, if you will. The word I choose was "tree." Innocent enough, right? Wrong. The first group ended with 8 points, making a chain that went something along the lines of "leaf, plant, bird, bug, sun, sunday, picnic, cake." A real cute, sweet little word chain. Group 4, however, took a decidedly different approach. Consisting mostly of basketball boys, their list was as follows:

tree
wood

house
bed
sex
sexy
enjoy
tired
sports
sex
sexy
baby sex

Though taking first place easily with a whopping 10 points (I refused to count "sex" and "sexy" twice), I immediately feared for the lives of these poor kids. Their teacher, an unusually harsh older lady, simply asked how they got from bed to sex and then, apparently satisfied with the answer, gave them all gold stars. Gold stars!! For writing what amounted to an amateur, albeit grammatically barren, erotic story on the board!

Personally, I got quite a kick out of it. That said, I was left to wonder what would have happened if this sort of stunt got pulled in my middle school. I imagine it would have been something to the extent of an hour of detention for each "obscene" word to be served consecutively on a day of the teacher's choosing. Hello Breakfast Club. Ultimately I realized that, given the choice and my propensity for cursing like a pirate and talking out of turn as a child, I would much rather have gone to school in strict, rigid, old-fashioned Japan.

I Love This Game

Over the past year, Japan and I have developed a love-hate relationship when it comes to holidays. She makes me work on Christmas, but instead gives me the vernal equinox off during March. She revokes my Spring Break, but gives Golden Week (a string of national holidays such as Greenery Day, Showa Day, and Children's Day in May). But I fear that this time she has gone too far, crossed an unforgivable line. What holiday has she dared steal, you ask? The NBA Finals, friend, the NBA Finals.

While not as popular as baseball or soccer, the NBA does have a strong following in Japan. In fact, more Denver Nuggets apparel is sold in Japan than in the entire United States thanks to the immense popularity of Allen Iverson. Giving AI a run for his money in terms of popularity, though, is none other than Kobe Bryant. As such, one would assume that simply on Kobe's advertising power alone that the Finals would easily accessible here. One, it turns out, would be wrong.

The NBA Finals games are being broadcast twice: once at 10 am on the day of the game, and then again at 1 am the following morning. SERIOUSLY? I may not be a marketing exec, but what conceivable reason could there be for these two time slots? What demographic could they possibly be targeting? If they pulled this kind of stunt in America the only people watching the Finals would be bored housewives, infants, household pets, and pre-teen boys who drink can after can of Red Bull to stay up and watch Carson Daily. If you were in charge of marketing and you had a superstar like Kobe Bryant making his dramatic return to the greatest stage in the basketball world, wouldn't you try and get that face in front of as many fans as possible? 10 am and 1 am, people!? I'm sorry, it's just that I still find this whole thing very hard to stomach.

I am coping, however. I've instituted a strict regimen of beginning to download the games as soon as I get home from work and then warning everyone on my basketball team that if they so much as utter a word of the score before I have a chance to watch it myself they will find themselves on the receiving end of an incredibly strong and horribly aimed low bounce pass, the kind that you don't catch with your hands. After a quick demonstration, they seemed to figure it out and are keeping quiet.

One last, albeit slightly unrelated, note. To those who say that Tim Duncan and the Spurs and boring and no fun to watch, or just those of you wondering what Japanese basketball ads might look like, I give you the following:

Concerning Engrish

No, I didn't misspell "English." To those in the know, I think you know where I'm headed with this one, but for everyone else, allow me a brief explanation: Engrish is a general term used to refer to English that has been Japanized, Chinafied, etc. The end result usually being subtle but humorous aberrations of the English language, it is most often displayed on t-shirts, signs, and television commercials.

Before I get into the bulk of this story, I need to give a disclaimer; I am not one to criticize another person for attempting to speak a foreign language. Far from it, in fact. I personally think that anyone who puts in the effort to speak or write in a foreign language should be rewarded with nothing but praise and, if need be, constructive criticism.

That said, my reason for the post is two-fold. First, during my travels in the Japanese countryside I encountered the following bewildering, yet strangely symbolic, example of Engrish in it's purest form. The prosecution hereby submits exhibit A:

Now, usually, I can enjoy simple mistakes, laugh a little, and ultimately realize that if I were to try to write something for publication in any form in Japanese it would most assuredly contain some small errors that Japanese people would catch, possibly even take a chuckle from. But this, however, is a whole new level. It literally strikes me as though someone opened a dictionary, pulled out ten entirely random words and threw them on the card.

To be fair, I actually did laugh quite hard when I found this gem, but soon afterwards I realized that this is precisely the reason that the Japanese Government has brought us JETs here. It is our job to instill a basic enough understanding of English at a young age that things like this never get to see the light of day. A form of Engrish Police, if you will.

Now if only the Japanese would send people to America to educate the ever increasing population of people who want to get a "sweet Kanji tattoo" and end up with gibberish like "complete lack of restriciton (無制限)" or "eternal meat power (永遠肉力)," both of which I saw personally the last time I was in Portland. Seriously. Eternal meat power??

Grand Opening

Welcome, everyone, to Northern Tohoku Exposure. For those for of you wondering what that exactly means, allow me to clarify; Tohoku is the general term used to refer to the 4 or 5 northernmost prefectures in Japan. Up until now I have been using group emails to relay personal updates, humorous stories and crazy anecdotes, but I have decided that this is a far easier method of conveying said information. This is not to say that I will not be sending out emails anymore, though. Think of this as a supplement, an ongoing personal opinion column, as it were. Links to my online photo album, blogs of friends, and as well as the occasion video or song that I have stumbled across can be found here, as well as an easier forum for those of you who wish to stay in contact with me. That said, I will do my best to post frequently and keep everyone amused and interested.

Without further ado, I would like to offer you a glimpse into the world of 1990s Japanese workout videos. I have it on good authority that one of my fellow teachers actually owns this entire series of videos. Seriously. Enjoy!