A Four (Ninja) Star Meal

Some of you may have heard rumors of a mythical restaurant hidden somewhere in the depths of Tokyo staffed exclusively by ninja warriors; a place where ancient tradition merges with modern society to give to those in the know a true taste of what Japan really stands for. While I can't vouch for the rest of that stuff, I am here to tell you that such a place does, in fact, exist and that I have witnessed it first hand. And survived.

Sitting on a bustling street corner in Akasaka, Tokyo, a five minute walk from the Akasaka Prince Hotel is NINJA AKASAKA. Upon entering the building, one finds oneself in a pitch black cube of a room with no discernible ways in or out. After waiting for several minutes, you are greeted to a loud bang and the wall behind you swings open. Non-Japanese are greeted by a female ninja (kunoichi) with speaks surprisingly Californian English and guided to your booth. This trip is no cakewalk, mind you. Our party was made to scream at the top of our lungs at least twice: once in order to close a mechanical "ninja door" behind us so that "our enemies can't follow us to our spot, you know?" Apparently there is a place for shouting like animals even within the silent arts of ninjustu. Who knew?

I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say that this is not a place that appeals to the 99 cent value meal crowd (steak dinner will set you back around 30,000 yen, or $300, and the 'Ancient Ninja French Style Foie Gras' another 2,000 yen ), but the comedic gems uttered by the silent-but-deadly staff are worth the price of admission alone. Some of the more memorable quotes include:
- "Welcome to Ninja!"
- After setting down a plate of ginger to go with the sushi: "This is ginja, I am ninja. Ninja joke. haha."

- "Please use this towel for face. Don't worry, no poison."
- "This is ninja tea. I think also no poison. Maybe."
- When running into our server while searching for the bathroom: "To toilet? Come with me, I am not enemy. You can trust."
- While shining an LED light onto a steaming plate of kimchi: "Ninja SPICE!"
- "This is Shino-beeru." (really terrible Japanese pun)

Also, it would appear that NINJA AKASAKA is the Japanese equivalent to Chuck E. Cheese judging from how many times the servers were heard singing happy birthday in English. And for the finishing touch, our waiter followed us (not very deftly, though) out through the hidden door back to the street and when we were about 10 yards away called out to us, did a back flip and unrolled a scroll that read "Please Come Again," written by what I can only assume was a left-handed child ninja no older than 5 years of age.





So sick of love songs