Things I Can Do Better Than Anyone In Japan

Before you jump to conclusions and assume that I am about to go on a racist and egotistical rant with anti-Japanese tendencies, let me assure you that this is totally (well, mostly) not the case. As mentioned in a previous post, many Japanese find great pleasure in challenging any available Americans to feats of drinking, eating, and other general indicators of manliness. After being challenged once again to another game of Beer (which I actually ended up losing), and because I do love a good top 10 list, I decided it was time to boost the ol' ego with a list of things that I truly believe I can do better than MOST Japanese people. I couch this statement with the word "most" because as a past and future scientist I know that there is no such thing as a statistical absolute. So here we go:

- Eat an entire American-size large pizza. The grease content alone would put the average Japanese into a coma.
- Take care of animal that is larger than a house cat. Have you seen the way they
chain their reasonably sized dogs outside in the snow here?
- Say the word "squirrel." Seriously. Try it sometime.
- Sing along with "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. ODB FTW.
- Have a personal conversation with someone I just met without crossing any boundaries or asking excessively personal questions. It is simply NOT ok to follow up "What's your name?" with "How old are you? Are you single?" And those are among the least offensive I've heard.
- Wear cowboy hats.
- Engage in sport without wearing a custom-made, color-coordinated, shiny track suit or jersey. It's like a national mandate over here.
- Make Mexican food (and I am a terrible cook). And last but not least...

- Drive a car. I mean, props to Japan for forcing both the elderly and the new drivers to put massive glowing decals on their cars so we can pick out the truly dangerous ones, but in general it is safe to say that despite the mind-numbingly low speed limits I would still feel safer swimming with the genetically enhanced sharks from Deep Blue Sea than getting into a car in Tokyo. And those sharks can swim backwards...



Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin