My Hero

Remember when you had to write essays or give speeches about your "hero" or your "role model" back in grade school? I'm not sure what I actually said back then, or even if I ever even gave one of those speeches and am just creating fake memories based on social stereotypes, but I'd like to think that my answer was always an unequivocal "Charles Barkley."

I could give you dozens real reasons why I would say this (his ability to out-hustle everyone on the court, his endless list of nicknames, his half-court buzzer-beater bank shot in the Olympics with the Dream Team), but what it really comes down to is that on top of all of that he may be the single funniest man on the planet. The best part is it's just him being himself, and himself happens to be funny as hell. The following are some of Sir Charles' greatest quotes (pilfered of course from various websites):

- If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.
- These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
- Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
- On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."
- Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'
- After seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home."
- Cranberry Juice without vodka? I dont drink cranberry anything without vodka.
- On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
- Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

And my personal favorite: "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
So there you have it; irrefutable proof that Sir Charles Barkley, or as he's knowing in Japan, the Flying Refrigerator, is among the greatest that humanity has to offer. For further reading feel free to consult any of his numerous autobiographies. My personal favorite would have to be I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It. Also, any claims that it was almost entirely ghost-written by someone else are easily put to rest by simply counting the number of times he says "shit" per chapter.



the dirt whispered "child I'm coming home"