The Evolution of Intoxication

After returning from Japan for the first time I soon rearized one of the things I missed the most: Chu-hi. For those who haven't had the privirege of riving in Japan, allow me to exprain. Imagine Zima. OK, got it? Now, make it stronger, give it more fravors, and make it socially acceptable for consumption by adult heterosexual males. Oh it also has to come in gigantic cans and be available on the street from vending machines. Now you've got a decent idea about chu-hi. So you can imagine how difficult it was for me to go back to drinking beer or, god forbid, hard lemonade when back in America. Ruckiry for all of us, this has finally changed.

OK, let me set this up for you. Remember Surge? Awesome green energy-infused soda that hit the market in the late 90s, riding the wave of similarly named uppers Jolt and Crack Cocaine? It had those amazing commercials that we just a bunch of kids screaming the word "surge" and running through junk yards while battling each other for the right to chug a can of the stuff? Awesome.

So now that you've got Surge on the brain, imagine yourself pouring 3 shots of vodka into a 23.5oz can of Surge. Now make it taste like dragons. And lastly, stick it in the freezer of your local 7-11 and slap a $2.39 label on it. My friends, I give you JOOSE. It's as though someone reached into my dreams, plucked out everything that would make me happy and then distilled, canned, and stuck it in my grocer's freezer. Other flavors of this spectacular beverage include cranberry, tropical, and jungle. Yes, that's right, you no longer have to go to a frat party and risk being hit on by no-necked econ majoring jocks in pink polos to enjoy a good Jungle Juice (not that that's ever happened to me. Seriously!). The best part is that it appeals to every target market imaginable. College kids can slam a JOOSE then stay up and cram for finals while not feeling quite so on edge. Teenagers can get drunk in their parents' basements without looking like idiots while they try to suppress bitter beer face. For the octogenarian crowd it's a perfect midday snack that loosens you up and gives you the energy to finish that next round of gin (rummy, of course). Even professional athletes could go for a blast of JOOSE to before the 4th quarter of a tied game to calm the nerves and add that extra boost.

I could go on about JOOSE for hours if you'd let me. Just do yourself a favor and go try one. Actually try like 3 or 4 and then come back and post some comments here so we can all see just how awesome you are (Steve...). The only problem with JOOSE, in fact, is that saying the name out loud is accompanied by a 90% chance that any white people in the immediate vicinity will begin to relentlessly quote the Dave Chapelle skit for Samuel Jackson's Lager. JOOSE! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!



Drip Drip Drip

Things I Can Do Better Than Anyone In Japan

Before you jump to conclusions and assume that I am about to go on a racist and egotistical rant with anti-Japanese tendencies, let me assure you that this is totally (well, mostly) not the case. As mentioned in a previous post, many Japanese find great pleasure in challenging any available Americans to feats of drinking, eating, and other general indicators of manliness. After being challenged once again to another game of Beer (which I actually ended up losing), and because I do love a good top 10 list, I decided it was time to boost the ol' ego with a list of things that I truly believe I can do better than MOST Japanese people. I couch this statement with the word "most" because as a past and future scientist I know that there is no such thing as a statistical absolute. So here we go:

- Eat an entire American-size large pizza. The grease content alone would put the average Japanese into a coma.
- Take care of animal that is larger than a house cat. Have you seen the way they
chain their reasonably sized dogs outside in the snow here?
- Say the word "squirrel." Seriously. Try it sometime.
- Sing along with "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. ODB FTW.
- Have a personal conversation with someone I just met without crossing any boundaries or asking excessively personal questions. It is simply NOT ok to follow up "What's your name?" with "How old are you? Are you single?" And those are among the least offensive I've heard.
- Wear cowboy hats.
- Engage in sport without wearing a custom-made, color-coordinated, shiny track suit or jersey. It's like a national mandate over here.
- Make Mexican food (and I am a terrible cook). And last but not least...

- Drive a car. I mean, props to Japan for forcing both the elderly and the new drivers to put massive glowing decals on their cars so we can pick out the truly dangerous ones, but in general it is safe to say that despite the mind-numbingly low speed limits I would still feel safer swimming with the genetically enhanced sharks from Deep Blue Sea than getting into a car in Tokyo. And those sharks can swim backwards...



Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin