On Lists

Let me start off by explaining the following post. A little over a month ago Facebook, and much of the interwebs themselves, was being inundated with a flurry of "top lists." Most of these came in the form of "25 Things About Me" or "10 Best Secrets," but this was hardly the extent of it. The whole deal reached the point that CNN actually ran a story on it (which I guess doesn't say too much, considering the crap CNN tends to pass as news). Anyway, I had decided that it was time to take advantage of my own personal soapbox here at NTE and give a list of my own. Apparently the Ron Blagojesphere had had it's fill, though, and my painstakingly crafted list failed to post and was consequently deleted. Lost. Relegated to the past tense.

The ensuing overwhelming rage and underwhelming desire to retype the thing had kept me from even accessing my own website until this very day. So, readers, I will now do my best to recreate my list, "10 Things I Have Learned About the World." Keep in mind, please, that as the original material was lost for good, this is merely a tribute.

1) If you are in a foreign country and don't speak the language, it really DOES work if you just speak your own language slower, louder, and with poorer grammar.
2) There are, in fact, parts of the world where it's OK to sit on a beach chair in the middle of the street and drink a beach bucket full of vodka and RedBull.
3) America might be full of racists, but we are one of the only countries that realizes it and at least on a small level tries to combat it openly.
4) Koreans are people, too.
5) South Koreans, I mean.
6) I don't care where you come from, dog is NEVER a menu option.
7) Being the only person in a room who speaks less than 3 languages is incredibly invalidating.
8) If we are to believe the Japanese, the food in Italy has little flavor, is not spicy, and is all of the same variety. Japanese food, on the other hand, is a veritable smorgasbord of choices, spices, and flare. Yeah. Right.
9) "Challenge the American" is apparently a revered pastime in every nation but the U.S.
10) We may not have invented it, but America (read: Pacific Northwest) is the only place in the world that truly makes an amazing beer.

There you have it; the extent of knowledge I've gained in my time spent away from the good ol' US of A. Before you go, please enjoy a heartwarming image of me and my favorite South Korean basking in our completely hetero man-love.




You laughed like it was going out of style, and I guess it was

My Hero

Remember when you had to write essays or give speeches about your "hero" or your "role model" back in grade school? I'm not sure what I actually said back then, or even if I ever even gave one of those speeches and am just creating fake memories based on social stereotypes, but I'd like to think that my answer was always an unequivocal "Charles Barkley."

I could give you dozens real reasons why I would say this (his ability to out-hustle everyone on the court, his endless list of nicknames, his half-court buzzer-beater bank shot in the Olympics with the Dream Team), but what it really comes down to is that on top of all of that he may be the single funniest man on the planet. The best part is it's just him being himself, and himself happens to be funny as hell. The following are some of Sir Charles' greatest quotes (pilfered of course from various websites):

- If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.
- These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
- Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
- On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."
- Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'
- After seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home."
- Cranberry Juice without vodka? I dont drink cranberry anything without vodka.
- On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
- Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

And my personal favorite: "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
So there you have it; irrefutable proof that Sir Charles Barkley, or as he's knowing in Japan, the Flying Refrigerator, is among the greatest that humanity has to offer. For further reading feel free to consult any of his numerous autobiographies. My personal favorite would have to be I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It. Also, any claims that it was almost entirely ghost-written by someone else are easily put to rest by simply counting the number of times he says "shit" per chapter.



the dirt whispered "child I'm coming home"

Fear and Loathing in...Thailand?

As some of you may be aware, I recently returned from spending my winter holidays in the beautifully depraved Kingdom of Thailand. Neither describing my experience there in its entirety nor briefly summing up the travels of my companions and I sound particularly enticing, I will simply posit some of my observations and feelings at key points throughout the journey in convenient list form. Here goes:

- Cockroaches are not nearly as crunchy as you would think, though slightly more flavorful.
- For a religion that heavily emphasizes the unimportance of material goods, the Buddhists in Thailand sure use an awful lot of gold on their holy artifacts.
- Not drinking the water doesn't do much good if you eat the ice anyway.
- The maximum number of times one can vomit without consuming any water is somewhere between 7-9.
- Watching teenagers climb into a ring and beat each other senseless while surrounded by transvestite dancers and being served by a pregnant waitress makes one feel pretty much exactly like you would imagine.
- Elephants really are extremely well-endowed.
- Nothing, I repeat, Nothing is free. Even the public toilets. God Bless capitalism.
- The number of stars visible from a remote mountain village is roughly 1000x greater than in any large city. It really is amazing.
- Sometimes it's a good idea to ask if there is a "Special" menu.
- Jet Skis = Awesome.
- Germans might possibly be the most friendly people on the face of the Earth.
- Diving through a flaming ring into a tuck-and-roll in the middle of a 2000 person rave is worth every bruise and burn you get.
- In Japan the first English phrase children are taught in school is "This is a pen." In Thailand it's "Hey you! 10 baht!"




My Maserati does 185

Things I Will Never Do

There are three types of things in the world: Things I am good at (can do), things I am bad at (cannot do), and things I will never try to do. Ok, I guess I should add a fourth: Things that will more than likely result in my own premature death, so I will thus avoid them. While the first two are wholly self-explanatory, I would like to elaborate on the last type and see if anyone else out there understands where I'm coming from.

When someone asks me if I can play basketball, the first thing that pops into my head is something akin to a fundamental binary response of "1" for "yes." I know for a fact I can play said game to at a reasonably competitive level, and have the physical evidence to back up said claim. Conversely, if someone were to ask if I can play the violin, I would give an unequivocal "no." But somewhere in between these two categories lies the enigmatic third category. These are things that I have never really tried, and for that matter feel that I never shall. The reason for this, though not immediately apparent, is actually quite simple; In my mind I imagine myself to be inherently good at these things and am afraid that if I were to actually try them the image of perfection would be shattered, leaving me less experienced than I was before. These actions or subjects include the following:

- Golf
- Hunting
- Boxing
- Snowboarding
- Quantum physics
- Hitting on women
- Chinese Language
- Horseback riding
- Neurosurgery and...
- Having children.

The pride I carry within me at being proficient in all of the aforementioned fields, ironically enough, prohibits me from ever actually attempting them. Hopefully I'm not the only one who feels this way, that when asked if one is good at golf can respond honestly "You know, I've never really played but I just know that I would be really good at it." But if I am indeed alone in this then I hereby reserve the rights to name the condition. I'm thinking something along the lines of advanced nolongerawesomaphobia. Suggestions?


http://www.timarai.com/blog/2008/10/21/greatest-how-to-everat-least-in-japan/


I've got a sunset in my veins

So You Want to Read Comics...

Taking I break from my usual bitching and complaining about things here in the Far East, I'd like to offer my thoughts on a subject I am more than well versed in: comic books. By now it should be apparent to most every one that what was once considered the quintessential trait of nerds and the socially inept has now become embraced by the pop culture elite. The rapid influx of comic-to-film adaptions (and good ones, at that) has changed the way we comic geeks interact with the world. Gone are the days when knowing which issue Wolverine joined the X-Men (Giant Size X-Men #1) or the exact weight of Captain America's shield (12.2 lbs) was as surefire a sign of social ostracism as knowing the best way to serve Qagh. These days people with vast libraries worth of comic trivia knowledge like us a valued commodity, the go-to-guy for the real info and plot breakdown whenever the newest comic book film comes out. It has gotten to the point where I have, true story, been called at 3 AM my time from America to confirm for an intoxicated friend in a heated debate at party that the Weapon X Program does indeed not stand for the letter "x," but for the roman numeral X (the 10th of such attempts at recreating a super-soldier based on the original Captain America formula, FYI).

The point of this post is not to boast of the supreme levels of my nerdiness, but rather to offer something to all of you out there who are looking to join the cool crowd and start reading comics. I am often what I would recommend to someone who either wants to start reading comics, or just wants to make sure that what they read next isn't a waste of time. So without further adieu, I present my own "Must Read" list:

- Batman: The Long Halloween, and Batman: Dark Victory. Along with Batman: Year One, these two books by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale serve as the foundation for everything that was good about the two recent Batman films. Taken as a set, they give show what is easily the most human Batman interpretations of Batman ever while spinning a compelling mystery that keeps your guessing even after you've put it down.

- Y: The Last Man. In a word, the funniest and at the same time most moving comic series I have ever read. Centering on the mystery of a plague that instantaneously wipes out every organism on the planet Earth except for Yorick Brown and his pet monkey, Ampersand, this 60 issue maxi-series is something you owe it to yourself to read. No super-heroes, no powers, just believable characters and incredible writing.

- Watchmen. Often referred to as "the best graphic novel of all-time," it is a super-hero story without any real super-heroes. I'm sure you will all go see the movie, so I won't say much more, but afterwards just do yourself a favor and read the book. If the ending doesn't make you think, then nothing will.

- Daredevil, vol 2. issues #16-19, 26-50, 56-81. In other words, everything that Brian Michael Bendis wrote. While Kevin Smith's "Guardian Devil" arc (vol 2. issues #1-8) and uber-writer Frank Miller's run are both considered to be classics, it's Bendis' that truly makes Matt Murdock something other than a half-assed Peter Parker and serves as an excellent jumping-off point for new readers. A perfectly gritty and flawed lead character, the darkly noir rendition of Hell's Kitchen, and a serialized nature that will hook you far quicker than most other Marvel or DC books, it's a great run for people who like their super-heroes a bit less spandexy and a bit more real.

- Powers. Both created and owned by the aforementioned Brian Michael Bendis, Powers is a bit of an industry anomaly. While set in a clearly super-hero filled world (hence the title), it's focus is on the regular cops that work the super-crime beat. If Law and Order: SVU and Detective Comics had a one night stand, the result would look a lot like this. It's as addictive as the former and as out there as the latter.

Most of these can be found in trade-paperback form or, for those who like to go the digital route, can be downloaded easily from teh interwebz. Enjoy.


Wil, do the children really understand

Miscellaneous

It occurred to me the other day that it's been almost a month since I last posted anything here. Everything has been so all over the place recently, it's been a bit difficult. I guess it would be better to say that my brain has been focused almost exclusively on one thing for the past month, so everything else has just seemed like random smatterings of drinking and ice cold weather. I am referring to, of course, the upcoming Japanese Language Proficiency Exam (日本語能力試験), which I will endeavor to lay the smack down upon this weekend. My afterthoughts and conjectures at how I did will be sure to follow, but until then I would like to discuss briefly a few things that have caught my what little attention I have to spare recently.

First, let me talk to you all about religion. I personally find religion very interesting, both in concept and in practice (one more so than the other). That said, there is a time and a place for it, neither of which are when I am naked covered in soap at a hot spring. If you absolutely must make pleasantries with another dude while you are both naked, the first thing out of your mouth should never be "Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." In such an incident, the look you are seeing on my face probably has nothing to do with your choice of beliefs (well, maybe a little), but rather that you felt that this was the best time to bring them up TO A COMPLETE(ly naked) STRANGER. Really, little old Japanese man?

You know what? Now that I've gotten that out there I really don't think I have much else to say. Oh, I know! Did you know that there are over 20 different easily discernable species of apple? It was news to me, too, but check out this awesome gift set of crazy apples I received the other day!



This bird has flown, take two.

Expats: The Forgotten Demographic

No one will question the fact that Americans made history at the voting booths this past week. Now come the next big questions: How can the president-elect save the crumbling national, and thus world, economy? What will he do to fix the quagmire that has become the Iraq and Afghanistan wars? For most Americans the real effects of the election won't become apparent until sometime after January. A select group, however, could start seeing the benefits as soon as tomorrow. I am referring to, of course, American citizens living abroad.

What many people don't realize is the power that we expats have as a voting entity. Excluding military, an estimated 6.6 million Americans live overseas worldwide, according to the Association of Americans Resident Overseas. If they were regarded as an independent voting bloc, they would outnumber the population in 34 of the 50 states. But of course Americans overseas are considered residents of their most recent US home states for voting purposes. They represent still 2% of states' total votes on average - enough to make a difference in a swing state. So what happens when you get this many people fed up with the anti-Americanism brought on by the Bush years? A whole lot of people voting Obama.

The president is the face of America and as such is the standard by which most of us expats are judged right off the bat. Don't get me wrong; not every one is quick to assume that we, as Americans, support President Bush unconditionally. That said, anyone living abroad can tell you that having a president as universally disliked as Bush only fuels anti-American sentiment, which is something we outside North America have to deal with everyday. To us Obama's victory is an immediate blow to the image of Bush's America that so many people have clung to the past 8 years. Think about it this way: Since the election results came in a day ago, I have had no less than 15 people congratulate me. ME. You congratulate someone when they have done something noteworthy or accomplished something. I guess in their eyes we have, even though Obama hasn't even taken office yet. Oh, and if any of you are interested, Obama Hot Springs in Nagasaki is half-off admission all week.

I leave you with an image of unbridled patriotism.




Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing. Purple rain purple rain.